I actually smiled, laughed, joked around and generally had a good day. And then, I had another one.
Yes, friends, I had a couple of good days this week. And yes, it also scared the holy-living-shit out of me. More to the point, I felt really damned guilty. Like I wasn't *allowed* to have fun......I was wondering what I had done differently, whether or not I had done something wrong, and whether or not I should be nervous about it happening again. The answer to most of the questions were, I had done nothing different, or wrong, and most of all, NO, I shouldn't be nervous or guilty about having another good day.
Now, I had to ask myself why in the hell I should be worried about being happy?? I mean, isn't that what I want? Don't I just want all of the BS in my life to melt away and to live somewhat of a "normal" life? (Shouting it from the roof tops.....) YES!
See folks, by the very definition of the disease, there are two sides to this struggle. There are the bad days, which MANY of us with bipolar experience more often and more intensely, and then there are the good days. Sometimes, they may slide up further into the manic cycle of the illness, but with the proper "cocktail" of medication, therapy, and daily diet & exercise, you can experience more "normal-like" days, where you actually tend to be in a good mood.
If you find yourself having a good day/time (whether or not you think you should be), do yourself a favor: stop & acknowledge it. It puts you back in touch with yourself and your surroundings, and it gives you a chance to evaluate your feelings a bit.
Next: if you have taken a quick mental stock of your situation (i.e., you're up on your meds, you aren't doing anything compulsive, you're still having fun, you're not doing anything illegal or counterproductive to your therapy, like consuming alcohol in mass quantities.....), and you find you're still having a good time.......GREAT! KEEP DOING IT! There's absolutely NOTHING WRONG with having a good time! As a matter of fact, it's what we're all striving for, isn't it?
"I'm concentrating on staying healthy, having peace, being happy, remembering what is important, taking in nature and animals, spending time reading, trying to understand the universe, where science and the spiritual meet." ~ Joan Jett
"The only thing that will make you happy is being happy with who you are, and not who people think you are." ~ Goldie Hawn
So, I had a great couple of days at work. I had fun. But my private life went *spectacularly* to hell this week. I'd like to give you more detail, but unfortunately, due to the nature of the situation (i.e., police involvement), I have to keep mum for a while. Let's just say the feces hit the rapidly moving oscillating rotary blades and everyone got hit with it this week. HOWEVER, I'm safe, I'm o.k., I'm protected, I'm going to make it through, and it's because of those people I've chosen to surround myself with, like all of you.
I am in a better frame of mind & attitude because of the good times I had at work. They kind of helped carry me through the entire week. And I'm doing my best not to let the awfully horrid & crappy parts of my private life bring me down, scare me, beat me into submission, etc. So, I've had to reconnect with my philosophy of an attitude of gratitude....be thankful......truly thankful.....especially when you think that life is at it's bleakest moment. Here's another song that kind of shores me up a bit from time to time.......can you tell that I get a lot of inspiration & motivation from music??? Naaaaahhhhh.
Anyone notice the drummer??? Freakin' amazing. It all comes back to the boys from across the pond....dammit.
Anyway, I wanted to say that life may kick us, beat us down, and generally take one huge dump on us from time to time. For those of us with BP, it may seem like it happens constantly. And all we want, I mean, really really want, is to be happy. Sometimes even if it's only in glimpses, dribs-n-drabs, or hell, one day at a time. I don't know about you, but I'll take it any way I can get it. You should too.