Monday, November 19, 2012

It's NOT ok to feel this way......

   Oh. Well. Hello there.  How ya been?  Me?  Well, to be honest (and I vowed to be honest on this blog), it feels as though that if it's not one thing, it's another lately.

   By that, I mean, if I'm not feeling well because of my physical health, I'm not feeling well mentally or emotionally.  And I feel as though I'm beginning to burden others as well with my "roller coaster" again.

   I've felt this way before, and the only way to describe it is that I'm cycling.  Again.

   Tonight, after months of stuffing my true feelings deep down within, I finally broke down. I mean really broke *doooown* and bawled my eyes out for about 15 minutes.  I wept, screamed, and curled myself up in the fetal position.  I used a towel to muffle my cries, but after I was done, I tried to pull  myself together to go over to my parents' house for dinner, and my next door neighbor was sitting outside her door.  She asked me if I was ok, if I was in pain, and then she asked if I needed a hug.  It was sweet, because she asked me in Spanish and I understood every word.  I told her I was ok, knowing that if I took her up on her offer for a hug that I'd just break wide open all over again.  She then told me if I ever needed anything, and she stressed *anything*, which included a hug, that I just needed to knock on her door.  I love that family and their children, they've been so sweet and so helpful to me since I live here alone.

   To be honest, guys, I've been feeling pretty low a lot lately.  It just seems to creep up on me, and it affects me more than words can say.  And I only get so many appointments with my doctor lately since he's been really busy with other patients.  And according to many doctors and therapists, it's always a good idea to check in more often with your psychiatrist during the holidays when you're bi-polar.

   In some families, please is described as the magic word.  In our house, however, it was sorry.  ~ Margaret Laurence

    Now, in my family, things say they're complicated is a colossal understatement.  There's lying, deceit, there's guilt trips, there's love and anger, and a serious and total lack of understanding, care or compassion for what I go through on a daily basis.  For example, last month, I finally opened up to my mom for the first time while I was in a manic state.  I explained to her that all I needed to do was to vent, to tell her what was going on in my head at the time.

   During our 45 minute conversation I spewed like I was a geyser.  All of my thoughts racing in my head were pouring out of my mouth, and finally for once making sense to me as I was talking.  I talked about how I was feeling, what I was going through at work, how I felt about dealing with her & my dad and how I wanted things in my life to just fucking stabilize.  

   At one point, she asked me what I thought I wanted from her or what I wanted her to do about any of my "whiny assed problems," and I immediately felt hurt & betrayed.  I finally came to the realization that there is never, and I mean never, going to be a day where she or my dad will ever accept, or understand what it's like to have to deal with this shit.  And the reason why is because they don't want to.  I am not totally certain whether or not I can say that they don't even care, but that's what it feels like to me.

   I keep getting told I need to "get off my fucking pity pot," "get over it," "get a life," "remember who the hell I'm talking to" when it comes to expressing my anger and my feelings, because I'm "the child" in this whole dynamic.  "And that's never going to change, Angela."  Nevermind the fact that I'm almost 38, with a pretty severe case of a mental disease that I have no control over, and I'm doing what I can to take care of myself on my own.

   I keep getting told that I shouldn't talk to my therapist about anything that goes on between my mother and I because "that's private."  Gee....ever wonder why the hell I'm so fucked up in the head so much?  I need an outlet to talk shit out, and if you're going to continue to be the controlling bitch you've always been since my birth, then why the hell should I confide in YOU?  I need someone objective with a degree in mental health medicine who can tell me whether or not my feelings are normal or if I need to take another chill pill.

  Oh yeah, and that whole idealized notion that I will someday no longer have to take medication???  Fucking forget it.  There's no way in hell.  Especially if you're going to try and suppress everything there is about me.

   Look, I came home to California to heal, and to take control over my life in every aspect.  Financially, mentally, emotionally, physically; if you aren't willing to at least fucking read up on what it means to have bi-polar, PTSD, OCD, and Dissociative identity disorder then maybe I should cut you and dad out of my life the way you've cut out everyone else on your side of the family out of yours.

   As it is, I feel so out of place.  I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.  Not here, not in Colorado, Nebraska, Arizona.  I just don't belong anywhere.  The only place I've ever felt comfortable, or the only thing I truly loved doing was being on the stage or in front of the camera or behind the mic at the radio station.  I have self-esteem issues, which weren't abated at all by either of my parents as a kid, telling me I was too fat to do anything in front of the camera, and that singing doesn't pay the bills.  Now, with artists & actresses like Queen Latifah, Adele, Melissa McCarthy, I have hope.  I have a fantastic singing voice, and on any given day no one knows whether or not I'm acting....hell, I put up a good front on a daily basis just so everyone doesn't know just how bad I'm feeling.  But there's still some part of me that's letting those years of negativity get me down, not to mention the fact that now, I feel like it's too late for me to get into that line of work.  I'm almost 40, you see.  Age has a way of making you look, you know, old.

   Look, I'm basically on lock down.  Not by my own choosing, but due to financial reasons, and the backlash of disapproval from both of my parents, I don't do a damned thing for fun for myself.  Ya'll wanna know what I do when I get home from work?  I play Scrabble online, Words with Friends and then, I play Texas Hold'em Poker online until I get tired and then go to bed.  Some nights, I dance around in the empty space of my living room while listening to my favorite tunes, dressed in my favorite goth clothes because I can't afford to drive down the hill to go to the club & socialize with other human beings.  And then, when things get *really* bad......I sing.  One of my current favorite ear by a band that I grew up with a long time ago in high school.....The Offspring.

   It helps get me through sometimes when those days are super awful and I have no one to talk to, no where else to go, and I just wanna get rid of the awful feelings in my head and my heart.

   And for those that are wondering, I've already started chatting online at support groups for help through the holidays.

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes, words aren't going to be enough. But since words are all I have...

    I will admit to being very low on the scale of understanding your particular troubles, but I know that wishful thinking and ignoring the issues are not going to help. Ever. I know that what you face is tougher than anything I have faced, and I am in awe of the way you are managing to keep it together.

    I know, sometimes you don't keep it "all" together -- but you keep coming back and trying again. I am proud to be your friend!

    Medications, if you need them and they work, are wonderful. Don't let anyone tell you they aren't necessary unless they have a medical degree and a license! Just don't ignore the rest of good health like decent food, sleep and friends...

    I am so glad you have a neighbor who is kind. I am sending so many blessings to her and her family because she cares.

    And I am sending blessings to you, because you keep reaching out, telling us how you're doing and doing what you need to.

    It's not easy, and I can't wave a magic wand and make it better. But I hope you know that you are well loved and carried in my heart every day.

    P.S. I also dream of being a singer and performing, but with allergies and then kids when I was younger it never happened. Still, if Susan Boyle can do it... shall we form a pop duo when we are retired? We can be the rockin' grannies!

    P.P.S. I don't "do" holidays for so many reasons, but mostly because they have so often been completely horrible in my life. Instead, I make food I love, stay home in my jammies and relax... And talk to my friends.