....and with the new information I've gained from my group therapy
sessions lately, I guess I could consider myself to me hypo-manic right
now.
I started a post late last week on "help," which I will post
at a later time, but recent events have shifted my focus which requires
my full attention at present. I moved into my own apartment last week
which is a plus (I have no furniture....but I'm hoping to hit up the
furniture stores this week for the holiday sales & specials), I've
got a new, positive career move, and hopefully, with an increased
attention span on what I need to accomplish for this new career (i.e.,
studying, note-taking, testing), it will prove not only beneficial to
myself, but to others as well. Just keep your fingers crossed for me
that I do well, ok?
With that mentioned, my moods have been more
on the manic side since last Friday. But I'm not exactly quite to the
level of extreme mania yet. I'm focused, driven; I'm getting irritable
when I am distracted from what I need to do. I'm blocking everyone
& everything out, I'm skipping meals (mainly breakfast & lunch),
I'm forgetting to take my meds in the morning, and I'm not taking them
on time at night, as a result, getting to bed WAY late & not getting
enough sleep. I'm finding I have to force myself to get up away from
the table & computer to take breaks, go to the bathroom, get
something to eat/drink...... I've got a deadline that I promised to do
my damnedest to keep, and when I get distracted, I get anxious as well
as pissy.
I've asked my mom to kind of help me out by monitoring
me when she's around & to help feed me. But now that I've got my
own place, it's difficult for her to do that. I still lack my own
printer for my computer, which forces me to go to her house to print out
my study materials, but then, I can just go home again. I'm noticing
this increase of ferocity to be more independent, and when I can't be so
(i.e., needing to use her printer), I get agitated. I'm impatient as
all get out, and it's reflected in my test scores for this class I'm
taking. So, tonight I took my damned time and I scored a 92% on this
section of the course. But I need to hurry the hell up, like I said,
I'm under a deadline.
And my mom, well, let's just say......she
doesn't get it. And that's not to be mean or disparaging to her, it's
just that.....she doesn't understand where I'm coming from, and it's
extremely difficult to get it across to her. Sometimes because it's
difficult to freaking explain, other times, I believe, is because she
just refuses to try to understand. In my perception, she still thinks
that being bi-polar is 100% controllable. And it's not. No explaining
that to her though. Or to my dad for that matter.
And even
though I may write a good story or article, and I may present myself to
other people in person or in my writing as personable, charismatic,
bubbly, but..............and I'm terrified to tell anyone
this.........I'm painfully shy. O.o Yes, I am! Seriously. I get
nervous, and I deflect that nervousness with humor, most of the time at
my own expense, but I'm afraid to ask for help. I think mainly because I
still am not certain where I can get the kind of help I really need. I
want all different types of help, like...can someone help me find a
grant or two to clear up my credit? Anyone wanna help me by co-signing a
loan so I can buy some furniture?? Kinda hard to get some good sleep
when I'm sleeping on an air mattress. Ya know?
Tonight's post is
just a simple rambling of my current mood state, and to let ya'll know I
haven't abandoned this journal, nor will I ever. I'm kinda reaching
out to you tonight as a check & balance type of thing. Someone want
to be a friend & check in on me later on today? I'd really
appreciate it. I just thought you might wanna know what's been going on
the last week. When I get to a point where I think I can bust out that
longer post on "help," I'll get it done.
Night/morning, all.
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