Wednesday, May 23, 2012

It's late/early.........

....and with the new information I've gained from my group therapy sessions lately, I guess I could consider myself to me hypo-manic right now.

I started a post late last week on "help," which I will post at a later time, but recent events have shifted my focus which requires my full attention at present.  I moved into my own apartment last week which is a plus (I have no furniture....but I'm hoping to hit up the furniture stores this week for the holiday sales & specials), I've got a new, positive career move, and hopefully, with an increased attention span on what I need to accomplish for this new career (i.e., studying, note-taking, testing), it will prove not only beneficial to myself, but to others as well.  Just keep your fingers crossed for me that I do well, ok?

With that mentioned, my moods have been more on the manic side since last Friday.  But I'm not exactly quite to the level of extreme mania yet.  I'm focused, driven; I'm getting irritable when I am distracted from what I need to do.  I'm blocking everyone & everything out, I'm skipping meals (mainly breakfast & lunch), I'm forgetting to take my meds in the morning, and I'm not taking them on time at night, as a result, getting to bed WAY late & not getting enough sleep.  I'm finding I have to force myself to get up away from the table & computer to take breaks, go to the bathroom, get something to eat/drink......  I've got a deadline that I promised to do my damnedest to keep, and when I get distracted, I get anxious as well as pissy.

I've asked my mom to kind of help me out by monitoring me when she's around & to help feed me.  But now that I've got my own place, it's difficult for her to do that.  I still lack my own printer for my computer, which forces me to go to her house to print out my study materials, but then, I can just go home again.  I'm noticing this increase of ferocity to be more independent, and when I can't be so (i.e., needing to use her printer), I get agitated.  I'm impatient as all get out, and it's reflected in my test scores for this class I'm taking.  So, tonight I took my damned time and I scored a 92% on this section of the course.  But I need to hurry the hell up, like I said, I'm under a deadline.

And my mom, well, let's just say......she doesn't get it.  And that's not to be mean or disparaging to her, it's just that.....she doesn't understand where I'm coming from, and it's extremely difficult to get it across to her.  Sometimes because it's difficult to freaking explain, other times, I believe, is because she just refuses to try to understand.  In my perception, she still thinks that being bi-polar is 100% controllable.  And it's not.  No explaining that to her though.  Or to my dad for that matter.

And even though I may write a good story or article, and I may present myself to other people in person or in my writing as personable, charismatic, bubbly, but..............and I'm terrified to tell anyone this.........I'm painfully shy.  O.o  Yes, I am!  Seriously.  I get nervous, and I deflect that nervousness with humor, most of the time at my own expense, but I'm afraid to ask for help.  I think mainly because I still am not certain where I can get the kind of help I really need.  I want all different types of help, like...can someone help me find a grant or two to clear up my credit?  Anyone wanna help me by co-signing a loan so I can buy some furniture??  Kinda hard to get some good sleep when I'm sleeping on an air mattress.  Ya know?

Tonight's post is just a simple rambling of my current mood state, and to let ya'll know I haven't abandoned this journal, nor will I ever.  I'm kinda reaching out to you tonight as a check & balance type of thing.  Someone want to be a friend & check in on me later on today?  I'd really appreciate it.  I just thought you might wanna know what's been going on the last week.  When I get to a point where I think I can bust out that longer post on "help," I'll get it done.

Night/morning, all.

No comments:

Post a Comment